What is Vulnerability?
What do you think of when you hear the word vulnerable? Most would probably think of the word in a negative light. Some may equate it with weakness but being vulnerable does not equal weakness. The definition of vulnerable from Merriam- Webster is “capable of being physically or emotionally wounded.” That does sound rather negative because no one wants to be wounded. There is, however, positivity that can come from allowing yourself to be vulnerable. Let me explain.
Setting the stage
Vulnerability has been on my mind a great deal lately because of something that happened a few months ago. I have promised to tell the story, so here it is.
Those who follow me know that I started taking karate a few years ago at the age of 39. To set the stage for this story, here are some facts about me. I am a runner, like body weight workouts, and actually like cardio. My preference has always been to work out alone because I have feared judgement in group settings. I watched my son take karate for years and always admired those out on the karate mat. There would be that passing thought in my head about how great it would be to start karate and work toward a black belt. Then I would watch my son spar and think, “There is no way I could do that.”
Yes, you can
Fast forward a few years. My oldest brother was in the hospital fighting for his life from an unexpected illness. Covid hit and everything shut down. Working out was my life saver for mind and body during that time. My son’s karate class was now over zoom, and the instructors encouraged parents to get involved and help their kids during the class. Then they started parents’ classes once a week. I am drawn to workouts, and this was online, so I felt no pressure. I gradually got sucked in. When class started back in person, that 39-year-old that never thought she would step foot on the mat except to take pictures of her son was a white belt.
The instructors made my adjustment to karate as painless as possible. It was a new place for me, and there were times it was uncomfortable. I was guarding myself though. The past months had been tough, and emotionally I was raw after losing my oldest brother. The workouts in karate class became something I looked forward to because it was a positive way to relieve stress. There were moments when things felt more uncomfortable than others. One moment was on a day I had been struggling before class with memories of my brother. I got to class ready to blow off steam punching a bag. Instead, we did forms, and a higher belt loudly corrected me multiple times until I was almost in tears. I held it together as best I could and told myself to channel my frustration into becoming better. My instructor at the time was amazing and always encouraged me. It gave me the confidence to push forward. That situation did leave me feeling exposed and vulnerable, but it also produced strength and was nothing compared to what was coming.
The Story
A few months ago, I was recovering from a broken foot (Another story for a later time). My balance was finally better, and I had been cleared to spar. At this point there was no longer pain in my foot, but the mental side of recovering from an injury was still there. I was finding getting back to sparring was extremely difficult. Every ounce of confidence I had before breaking my foot was gone. One night in class it was time to spar again. My first rounds went ok. I was feeling a little better about things. Then, things went sideways. My next round was against someone much younger than me, much stronger than me, and so much quicker than me. I got overwhelmed and frustrated very quickly. Within the first few seconds tears flowed, I was hyperventilating, and had to retreat to the restroom and try to compose myself. There it was. I had put myself in a vulnerable place and was exposed.
The Scolding
I scolded myself in the bathroom for even putting myself in such a situation. My mind raced, “Why did you even start karate? You knew this could happen! How are you going to walk out of this bathroom and face your class? What are they going to say about you now?!?” Another part, my husband and daughter were there and witnessed this whole ugly meltdown. After several minutes, I composed myself the best I could. I opened the door with a tear stained and red face as I tried to steady my breathing. Stepping out, I made my way to the very corner of the mat to finish the last 2 minutes of class. Being invisible would have been a blessing at this point. As I sheepishly gathered my gear after class, I was approached by a classmate I look up to. I was so very thankful to be met with kind encouraging words instead of judgment for what I perceived as weakness. The words he said that kept resonating after I left that night were, “Don’t quit. Please don’t quit.” Those were the words my son stated to me as well when we discussed what I should do. I am not a quitter, but I will take care of my mind and body if a situation is not right for me.
Shift in Mindset
As I recovered mentally from breaking down, I realized some things. Each day that experience felt less and less painful. It also began feeling less like a weakness. Each day I was resolved more and more to succeed. When I did walk back on the mat so unsure of my classmate’s responses to me, it was positive, and relationships grew. My younger brother is a coach to me in so many areas. He talked through this situation with me and gave me a deeper perspective. Because I was put in a vulnerable place and allowed myself to be “broken,” it opened the door for a strength that would not have been possible without that experience. In this situation vulnerability led to strength and deeper relationships. It showed my humanity. Yes, there were areas of weakness, but it allowed me to grow in areas I never thought possible.
Positivity for Vulnerability
An article from James Madison University’s Counseling Center says, “Vulnerability is uncomfortable, but taking risks, accepting responsibility, being honest, expressing empathy, and facing uncertainty are not weaknesses. Vulnerability is about acknowledging truth and showing courage.” Yes, vulnerability is uncomfortable. It is important to find those safe places where we can safely be vulnerable. There are those who will take advantage of us in vulnerable moments. In those safe places, however, our relationships can be deepened, and we can grow in strength and confidence as we let others see who we really are. Human and having needs like everyone else in the world. It truly is an emotion that channeled with the right perspective can bring us to a point of intense growth.
Encouragement
Next time you find yourself in a raw, uncomfortable situation that exposes imperfections, DO NOT let your mind go to weakness. Channel those thoughts toward how you will grow and what you will gain from that experience. Life is about growing and learning. When we keep that mindset, making it through the uncomfortable will help us gain so much strength. I am not the woman I was at 18, 25, 37, or even the woman I was a few months ago. Walking through the hard and uncomfortable places, vulnerable places, not only in sports but also in life has not only given me strength, but has enhanced my ability to live authentically and take off the mask. I want that for you as well.
Does thinking about attempting to achieve your health and wellness goals make you feel vulnerable?
If so, I get it. Especially asking someone to walk beside you to meet those goals can feel extremely uncomfortable. I want to assure you that the goal of Sustainable Transformation Health Coaching is to be a safe place. A place where you feel comfortable to take off the mask, be authentic, and take whatever time is needed to work through the process of change to meet your goals. Please reach out if you feel that you would benefit from support in your quest for change.
Do you have a vulnerable moment that produced growth and strength that you would like to share to encourage others? I would love for you to share in the comments below.
