The Journey of Living Life to the Fullest After Loss

I went to bed with him on my mind and woke up the same. Today is his birthday, and it just feels a bit heavier on those days. He’s not here physically anymore. For some reason in 2020, at the age of 42, God chose to take him to his eternal home, and we as his family are left to figure out how to continue to live without him. Today’s post is my story of loss and trying to live through it. I am not a counselor or therapist. This is just my experience and how I am choosing to deal with it. I am sharing this for encouragement, but I also want to put out there that there are many professionals who can help you if you are having a hard time after experiencing loss in your life.

Loss

I was not new to loss when my brother passed away almost 4 years ago. We had lost our father to cancer when we were young and had gone through the loss of grandparents as well. The loss of my brother was a different kind of loss. He was young, in the best shape of his life, and his illness was traumatic and unexpected. In the loss of a sibling, the hurt cuts deep as you watch the rest of your siblings and your parents have to process and grieve, and his family as well. This was a loss that would take months, years… even decades to process, and would stay with us for the rest of our lives.

Grief

Of course we hear about the stages of grief, yet everyone moves through those stages differently. We have to process things…to feel things… and that is uncomfortable. I’m learning, however, that if we do not deal with our feelings, if we suppress them, they will come out in some way. Yet many times, that way is not always healthy. For me, it has been much better to allow myself to feel the uncomfortable, to think through, to cry, to write, to let the feelings grip me and then release.

Broken

But is there joy again after loss? Is there a way to truly feel whole and fully live again? Everyone has to find their answer to this question. For me, I felt my heart shattered after losing my brother. The loss of the 3rd generation of Reeves men that had died in my lifetime had made me feel like my heart would never be mended again. I felt like a broken pitcher with water spewing forth from all the cracks. How could I heal? I honestly did not know how I could be mended and certainly not whole.

My Gift

Time passed, and I had hit my 42nd birthday. Forty-two was hard for me because that is the age my brother was when we lost him. Karate and running became my outlets. Running had been my outlet for quite some time. It was how I dealt with stress and was as much for my mental health as my physical health. This particular day I was actually doing pretty well. Life was good, and it was a beautiful day. It would become a day that I will never forget because I received an unexpected gift as I turned on the music and set out for my run.

The Song

A song came on as I stepped out onto my driveway. It was an artist that I had not heard in years. It peaked my interest because my brother had introduced me to this music when we were young. The lyrics brought me to the ground in tears, and I just sat in the middle of my driveway and cried.

“Deep enough to dream in brilliant colors
I have never seen
Deep enough to join a billion people
For a wedding feast
Deep enough to reach out and touch
The face of the One who made me
And oh, the love I feel, and oh the peace
Do I ever have to wake up”

The Realization

The realization struck me, he never had to leave the bliss that he had found. He had found peace. He never had to hurt again. He was with the One who made him… face to face. How wonderful for him! It was a thought I had not allowed myself to picture. I was still here for a reason, and he would not want me to miss my purpose or potential because of living in grief and despair. My family needed me whole and so did the people that God would put in my path. As that song played, I felt the pieces being glued together in my heart. Yes, you can still see the cracks, and sometimes they leak. I still feel the loss and grieve. However, I have been given the gift of the realization that he is whole and happy.

Time He Didn't Have

When I turned 43 this past year, I knew I needed to fully live. I had been given time that my brother had not, yet he accomplished much good in his 42 years. What would I do with these years? I do not want to squander the time that I have. Every day is a gift, and I want to use them to do good, to help, and to encourage others.

Loss changes us. We hear the phrase that pain and hurt can make us bitter or make us better. There is a choise to be made. Both will be hard…Bitterness takes away our ability to live with joy. Being better takes work, intentionality, and the ability to feel the pain but still let perseverance, love, and discipline win. I want to be better…to find joy in the midst of still missing someone I love.

5 Things That Are Helping

Here are a few things that are helping me move forward with joy and life after loss-

Daily gratitude journaling. It shows me what I have today and helps keep me present. There is always something to be grateful for in a day.
Allow myself to feel. There are days that I am going to feel sad and that is normal and OK. We have to feel the feelings, process them, and be kind to ourselves.
Live presently. Do you take the time to embrace the day? To stay focused on the here and now? Having our minds focused on the past can steal the joy of things that are happening today. This one can be hard but is so helpful.
Find someone who will listen or write it out. Sometimes we need a listening ear or we just need to get it out. Talking out loud or writing it down can help when we need to release feelings.
Find an activity that you enjoy. Physical activity is good for mind, body, and soul. This applies to dealing with loss as well. Karate has been such a healing activity for me to be involved in after the loss of my brother.

Loss is hard. I do not wish the feelings that I have felt on others. If you have endured the loss of a loved one, it makes me sad to know the feelings you have experienced. I hope that in some way the words that I have written today will encourage you even though this post is as much for my benefit as yours.

Celebrating Through Tears

Today, on my brother Shawn’s birthday, I will celebrate the life he lived. I will celebrate the families that were made complete through his work. I will celebrate all the good he did and all the justice that he fought for. I will celebrate having him in my life and the love that he had for his whole family. Even through tears, I will celebrate and find joy in this day because he is whole and one day I will see him again.